(NaturalNews) What’s better than receiving a free groping by the TSA? How about getting your breasts checked for cancer at the same time? That’s the new offering from the TSA, which says that squeezing and twisting your breasts during security pat-downs is now a “medical procedure” and that it’s all being done “to protect the health of Americans.” Men, meanwhile, will now receive a free prostate exam as part of their screening procedure.

Before administering the new procedure, TSA agents will be required to attend a weekend seminar on manual breast cancer detection techniques. While some observers complained that a single weekend was not enough training to qualify TSA agents to conduct sensitive medical procedures on passengers, TSA head John Pistole responded by explaining, “That’s true, but TSA agents aren’t really trained on security, either, and we have them playing that role just fine, too.”

Passengers going through TSA checkpoints won’t notice much of a difference in the pat-downs, given that agents are already squeezing and twisting women’s breasts. Men, however, will now be asked to cough.