I was chatting with a friend a few weeks ago and he was riled up over Mark Kirk.  He commented that he wanted to make Kirk feel pain.  He wasn’t talking about physical pain, but the emotional pain he was feeling and which he blames on Kirk.  I had a very hard time understanding how one could hate that much.  I even talked to Mark about it because I couldn’t fathom what Mark could have done to bring about that much animosity from another human.

Here we are just a few short weeks later and I feel the same way.  I confessed to my therapist in my group today and I didn’t get taken 5150 so I know can now safely admit this here, but a week ago today I was so distaught at what Mark had done that for the first time since my problem with the suicidal thoughts started on October 8, 2008, I made the only totally serious attempt.  I started with ten Trazadon, followed by five Tramadol fifteen minutes later and then rotated with five pills every fifteen minutes for several hours.

I was so sick of Mark discounting my feelings I just wanted to show him how much he hurt me, not that he would give a crap, but ones mind is not thinking coherently when this is going on.  I remember with each group of five pills I was convinced they would be the ones that would finally knock me out.  I kept wondering when I was going to die and was getting really mad that it didn’t happen. Continue reading →